Forum Discussion

Gay Marriage: A better idea (hee hee) (March 13, 2005 1:06 AM)
Posted by: dennis sowell
First let's all get our rock hammers and collect a 'chip off the old block.' Second, toss it in the nearest spot of water, hence it's baptized. Third, fill out its 'baptism certificate' (baptism certificates are still the legal replacement for birth certificates.) Fourth, decide it's gender (if it has an outcropping - it's male, if an indentation- it's female, all other inperfections- your choice!) Fifth, name it (possible male names are rocky stone, chip stone, -female names could include sandy stone, crystal stone) Sixth, marry the pet rock (reasoning to follow) Seventh, assign its guardianship and custodianship to successive generations. Now, for the benefits therein: One, the pet rock/spouse can't get a death certificate. Two, this makes pension checks, VA checks, Social Security, and the like- permanent family legacies- passed down from generation to generation. Why? pension and social security checks are tied to the second to die of the retiree or spouse. If the spouse can't get a birth certificate, even if mentally a 'vegetable' or 'rock', so what? The checks keep coming. Finally, imagine the future windfall of government checks with measly 3% annual COLA's (cost of living adjustments)- every 24 years they would double! Go out 240 years, and figure a projected $1000 monthly check, doubled 10 times! ($1,024,000 per month!) Too bad, the 'queer nation'-ites didn't bother to finish thinking before they pushed print. Had they each merely cohabitated, marry a pet rock each, with each other being the guardian/custodian of the other's 'spouse', the financial benefits make current marriage benefits look like penny ante. Likewise, consider a married couple, doing the old 'tijuana weekend', marrying sandy stone and rocky stone, respectively, and continuing to cohabitate, with the neighbors and community none the wiser.... gotta luv it! Would love to hear the site kick this one around. Takers?

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